WEEK 13
I am starting to feel like I am in a boxing match. And I am losing. Pregnancy is Mike Tyson and I am every opponent he faced prior to Buster Douglas.
Congratulations! You are having a baby! Body blow
Your wife is going to be completely miserable. Left…left
And you can’t help ease her pain at all. Body blow…right
Daycare costs more than buying a Porsche. Jab…jab…Upper cut
And now I realize, once the baby is here, I’m expected to know how to care for this child.
He’s down for the count.
When a person experiences grief, they go through 5 stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. With the pregnancy, I hit 3 of the 5. First, denial. We are having a what?? Followed by a brief spell of depression and finally acceptance. I can handle this.
(I did bargain for a kitty but my “kid for cat” proposal was about as popular as a David Spade movie.)
Starting the 13th week, I actually began to settle into the changing routine. I can handle this. But just when you feel like you’ve got it under control, something else comes along to kick you in the butt.
This week’s butt kick comes in the form of the startling realization that - I know nothing! Here I am learning about breast tenderness, something which I am unlikely to ever experience, and I have no idea what to do once my kid arrives.
What’s the difference between a cry from a wet diaper, a cry for food or a cry that means something is really wrong? Do infants sleep on their back, side or front? How long before we potty train? 2 weeks? 2 months? What is the proper burping technique? Was it considered good parenting when Steve Irwin dangled his youngster in front of a live alligator? When do their teeth sprout? Fallout? How much does the tooth fairly leave these days? Do we still believe in the tooth fairy? Is there any other kind of fairy I should know about? If my kid asks me a question and I don’t know the answer, do I tell her/him I do not know the answer or do I just make shit up like Calvin’s father. How severely should he/she be punished for failing home economics? What if they choose acting school over an accredited college? Coke or Pepsi?
This is not going to be easy. Raise the alert to code Orange. Take us to Defcon 3. But don’t worry. I can handle this!
Congratulations! You are having a baby! Body blow
Your wife is going to be completely miserable. Left…left
And you can’t help ease her pain at all. Body blow…right
Daycare costs more than buying a Porsche. Jab…jab…Upper cut
And now I realize, once the baby is here, I’m expected to know how to care for this child.
He’s down for the count.
When a person experiences grief, they go through 5 stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. With the pregnancy, I hit 3 of the 5. First, denial. We are having a what?? Followed by a brief spell of depression and finally acceptance. I can handle this.
(I did bargain for a kitty but my “kid for cat” proposal was about as popular as a David Spade movie.)
Starting the 13th week, I actually began to settle into the changing routine. I can handle this. But just when you feel like you’ve got it under control, something else comes along to kick you in the butt.
This week’s butt kick comes in the form of the startling realization that - I know nothing! Here I am learning about breast tenderness, something which I am unlikely to ever experience, and I have no idea what to do once my kid arrives.
What’s the difference between a cry from a wet diaper, a cry for food or a cry that means something is really wrong? Do infants sleep on their back, side or front? How long before we potty train? 2 weeks? 2 months? What is the proper burping technique? Was it considered good parenting when Steve Irwin dangled his youngster in front of a live alligator? When do their teeth sprout? Fallout? How much does the tooth fairly leave these days? Do we still believe in the tooth fairy? Is there any other kind of fairy I should know about? If my kid asks me a question and I don’t know the answer, do I tell her/him I do not know the answer or do I just make shit up like Calvin’s father. How severely should he/she be punished for failing home economics? What if they choose acting school over an accredited college? Coke or Pepsi?
This is not going to be easy. Raise the alert to code Orange. Take us to Defcon 3. But don’t worry. I can handle this!
posted by Derek, Tracy & Calvin | 4:05 PM
3 Comments:
Nope - it's not going to be easy! But you have 27 weeks (ish) to figure things out. And you will learn how to figure out if the cry is a wet diaper or if they are hungry. Potty Training? Give it about 2 years. Soft rubbing and pats on the back should work for burping. All in all, you'll figure it out. :)
Don't worry sweetie, I'll be there to help you through. After 5 nieces, nephews and years of babysitting I know a few things. Your questions though, all very valid and I'm confident you will be the BEST dad!!!!
And you don't have to know everything "up front". You learn as you go along. Think of it as a life-long adventure. Learning new things every day. An always evolving experience. And you have the best partner anyone could ask for so you are in great hands. I have total faith in you !!!!!
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