Southwest Sensations

Yes, I know. I went to great lengths to explain why I wasn’t so keen on the idea of a “theme” for the baby’s room. So it is with a moderate degree of hesitation that I admit we did in fact pick a theme for this child’s room. Not knowing the sex of the baby makes it a little difficult. If we decorated in butterflies and then had a boy, he may turn out like Tyler on the Real World. Of course, by that I mean self-loathing and bitter.

In keeping with the décor of our home, we went with a southwestern theme. What we didn’t realize was that we, along with only about 4 other couples in the country, have chosen this theme. Locating southwestern decorations for a child’s room has been tediously difficult. (Big props to Sue for actually finding southwestern crib bedding!)

Here is a sample of the wall stencil that took 4.5 hours on a ladder and cost me two leg cramps and all feeling in my right shoulder (which still hasn’t fully returned).



Now, while we are working towards deciding on a traditional name for the child, I am thinking we should come up with a secondary Native American name. Something catchy. Something like Topper Harley’s Indian name in HotShots:

Commander Block: “Topper Harley?”

Topper: “Once perhaps. Now I am called, Tooka Chinchilla.”

Commander Block: “What does it mean?”

Topper: “Fluffy Bunny Feet.”

Yes, something like that. Any suggestions?

The Tooth Fairy is not real!

It started out as such a cute story. A friend of mine was telling me how her little girl just lost her first tooth. And, after explaining the concept behind the Tooth Fairy, the little girl decided that, not only did she want the loot, but she would also like to keep her first tooth. (I can only assume it would be to sell it on Ebay and make double the profit.) So she sat down with her mom, and they wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy, asking politely if she would kindly leave the cash and the tooth. How dear.

This friend then explained that while she intended to leave $5 under the pillow, neither her nor her husband had a five dollar bill so instead they left a sawbuck! Yes, $10 !!

What..what..what??! I had no idea the going tooth rate had escalated along with the housing market. I’m pretty sure as a kid, the underneath of my pillow only saw whatever loose change that my dad had in his pocket. I am going to have to explain to my child that, with interest rates being so low, the Tooth Fairy was able to increase her dollar per tooth output; however most experts are predicting the bicuspid bubble will soon burst and prices will fall drastically.

And speaking of losing teeth, what do you do with the teeth after you swipe them from the pillow? Throw the out? Pour Coke on them and watch them decay? Make a little molar mobile? Maybe they will explain all this in Parenting class tonight.

Comfortably Numb

Over the last month or so, I have become more relaxed. More at ease. As each day would begin, I pretty much knew what to expect from my wife and from myself. That was, until the other night when Tracy said;

“Honey. Don’t forget. We have Lamaze class tonight.”

“Great! Who is Lamar and what is he teaching?”

“Just be ready to leave at 7 o’clock.”

The actual name of the class is Childbirth and Parenting and we were told to bring 2 pillows and a blanket. The class begins and I am immediately unnerved as I look around the room at all of the protruding paunches. Adding to my anxiety, the teacher asks us to greet the couple to our left and introduce each other. I quickly realized that any thoughts I had on how this evening would go were severely misguided.

I pictured that we would arrive in class; a few pleasantries would be exchanged, the teacher would smile and answer a few questions, perhaps bring me some tea and a cinnamon scone. Boy, was I wrong.

First off, she hands us a stack of literature that could choke a brontosaurus. Magazines, pamphlets, leaflets and handouts. We even received these bra sponges you use in case your boobs leak. I kid you not. This starts to overwhelm me and I can feel my nerves fraying one by one.

Next, the couple to my left starts having these snickering fits every time the teacher says the word breast. Um, guys. You’re having a kid. Shouldn’t you be past the “hee-hee, the teacher said a naughty word” phase of life?

And then, it gets worse. Considerably worse. Less than an hour into class, the teacher has already popped in “the video”. This was not on the syllabus! I was figuring the video wouldn’t be shown until the last class. And I planned to ditch that day. I just met all of these people 45 minutes ago and suddenly we are all huddled together watching a placenta heaved from some stranger woman’s vagina?! (Better not say vagina in front of the giggle twins)

At this point I am visibly shaken. I took our blanket, the one we were required to bring, and wrapped it around my shoulders for comfort as I tried to find a happy place inside. The video progresses into describing a series of unsettling medical terms. I know a “mucus plug” is, in fact, actually a plug of mucus but can we not come up with some euphemistic description? Something like, I don’t know, squishy baby stopper would be a little less graphic-image inducing. The squishy baby stopper sounds like a little saturated foam pillow keeping the baby in place. Ah, nice.

I tried to repress these images but one in particular keeps replaying over and over like when Marsha Brady got hit in the nose with the football. (Ow, my nose! Mom always said don’t play ball in the house). They showed this woman in mid-push looking down between her legs to see the baby’s head, while the rest of its body was still inside her. Good Christ! I can’t even look at my elbow if I scrape it playing hockey. With any luck, I’ll contract an unexpected case of scurvy or whooping cough so I can be excuse from this week’s class.

Where's Waldo?

When you are expecting a baby, not only does it disorient your life and mind but also, undoubtedly, your home will need rearranging before the child’s arrival. Although we have made some progress there is still much work to be done. This is what our kitchen table currently looks like. Try finding your keys on that bad boy! Come to think of it, this table is pretty symbolic of how my brain feels.



We have our first baby class Thursday night. I am not sure what we are going to learn. Possibly that whole “hee-hee-hoo-hoo” breathing technique.

Pictured in the photo from left to right: Mom-in-Law, D’Brickshaw, Mommy-to-be (with less than 10 weeks left!) & Dad-in-Law.



So much to do. So little time.

Sunday, Bloody Good Sunday!

“My karma ran over your dogma”
- from a bumper sticker we saw in Sedona

Sunday was a very strange day. Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? For me, that is just about any day with a “Y” in it. But yesterday…was different.

It started first thing in the morning. We were out of peanut butter chips, so I could not make my world famous “peanut butter chip pancakes”. (Go ahead. Ask about them next time you are in Yemen. They know. ) Instead of eating in, we decide to go to the local bagel café. We are lucky enough to grab the last available booth. Shortly after our arrival, a couple enters toting a young child. We hear them tell the hostess they will wait for a booth, rather than sit at one of the less comfortable tables. Tracy and I decide to move to a table, and inform the couple they can have our booth. They are very appreciative and thank us abundantly. Upon leaving, they once again say thanks before heading out. Our waitress then comes over and tells us they picked up our tab for breakfast. Sweet! Free grub.

On the way home from breakfast, I make it through a traffic light I NEVER make. Seems like a small matter but this light haunts me like rolling balls haunt Bill Buckner. She’s a funny thing that Karma.

We had already designated Sunday a house-preparing, errand-running day. With only 10 weeks left, time is ticking away. One of the many items on my “to do” list was replace the master bath shower head with a new one and move the one from the master bath to the guest bath. Water values and heavy duty glue were involved so this was surely a recipe for disaster. At the very least, I figured Rodnetta was going to learn some new 4 letter words. I am happy (thrilled actually) to say I managed to complete this task without flooding either bathroom or epoxying myself to any tiles (or to other parts of myself for that matter). Granted this was not rocket science, but the results were unprecedented in my home improvement history. Oh Glorious day!

And the day just kept getting better. We have been trying to sell a dresser for months. Yesterday, we receive a call inquiring about the dresser from our ad on Craigslist.com. Less than an hour later, the dresser is in the back of some guy named Kaz’s pick-up truck on its way to a new home.

After we sold the dresser, it was time for another stop at…(gulp) Home Depot. We had decided to try a different size air filter in hopes that I could forcibly squeeze the new one in place. So there I was, standing in the air filter aisle, looking at all of my options, when I notice a brand new box of filters that match the exact specifications I need. I may be mistaken but the box seemed to be glowing as I heard a chorus-like “ahhhhhhh” echoing in my head. Truly something divine was happening.

Our final stop on the errand trail was a craft store for paints and fabric. As we left the store, Tracy notices they only charged us for one yard of fabric. Free fabric! Sweet. At this point we are both a little spooked. I was half expecting to drop dead right there on the spot from some massive embolism. The punch line to this cosmic joke.

But alas, no such fate awaited me. It was just a great day full of green lights, free stuff and tremendous accomplishments. Rodnetta’s room has been prepped so let the decorating begin!

Movin' on up!

Today we received a little more good news. That pesky placenta has moved out of the way of the cervix. I am becoming proficient with all of these medical terms. I'm starting to think I could deliver this baby myself.

By the way, little Elizabeth currently weights in at a robust 3.4 pounds.

Pour some sugar on me!

Great news! We just heard back from the doctor’s office. We passed! Blood sugar levels are fine so no follow up needling will be necessary. Tonight we shall celebrate with some ice cream for dinner. And for dessert…more ice cream!

Although I am not sure why, the doctor did say she needs to do more ironing, which sounds kind of odd to me.

Oh, wait. My bad. I have just been informed that the actual diagnosis was, Tracy’s iron level is a little low so she needs to increase her iron intake. This means we will be purchasing some supplements and apparently my shirts will remain wrinkled.

Home Depot sucks!

Yes, I know I said that before but it deserves to be repeated. Here I am trying to be a good father-to-be and once again that forsaken place leaves me with nothing but grief. With less than 12 weeks until baby, it is time to step up preparations.

My first item to purchase was paint for the wall stencils we’ve chosen. I need small quantities of several colors but they do not sell anything smaller than a bucket of paint. However, given the type of store, I should have known this and won’t really hold it against them. In the end, no paint was purchased.

The second item on the list was a new air filter for the A/C unit. Apparently, these nifty little objects should be changed more than once in a great while. Now, you would think they would just build all units one size. They do not. And in this case in particular, size does matter. My filter needs to be 19” X 18” X 1”. Home Depot carries 1142 versions of the 18 inch filter and another 752 variations of the 20 inch one. Not a single 19 inch filter in the bunch. In baseball terms, we were 0 for 2.

Finally, we had recently discovered that our water filter, which should be changed yearly, has not been replaced since 2003. (My apologies to all those who’ve had a glass of H20 at my house over the past 3 years). We hit the water filter aisle and the selection is sparse. A couple of different types from mainly the same brand. Naturally, none of which match my specifications. In a store this massive, you would think they should have more. So I ask the nearest employee;

“Excuse me. Can you tell me if these are all the water filters you carry?”
“Um…I’m not sure. I think so.”

You think so?! You think so?! Well, I think so too. That is why I asked you. I was hoping you would know so. Isn’t that part of your job? Shouldn’t you people be required to receive at least a basic training of the store’s inventory? So customers can get something more than, “I think so”… end of conversation. One of the inanimate lighting fixtures in aisle three could have provided me with equally as much information. And now thanks to you and your store, little D’Brickashaw will have to suffer by breathing filthy air and drinking tainted water. I hope you are happy!

I didn’t really say all that but I oh so wanted to!

More random grumblings

Here is all the pertinent information up to the minute.

* I am tired. Perhaps these 28 weeks are starting to take a toll on me. More likely, it is because some jackass was shooting off bottle rockets until 1am last night. Happy 4th. Here's hoping he suffered at least one second-degree burn on some body part. However, the realization that we have a little less than 12 weeks until our due date is uplifting. Compared to the once mammoth total of 40 weeks, this number seems doable.

* The kid’s soon-to-be room is finally cleared out. Every other room in the house now looks like Sanford and Son’s front yard, but at least we can begin Operation Baby Room Makeover. We recently found out that I will be the only one painting in the room. Apparently, paint fumes aren’t good for the baby. Why do I get the feeling that this child’s first words are going to be “Um, Dad... you really suck at decorating.”

* Our little spud is kicking like a German striker. The tiny gymnast moves all over womb and occasionally I am forced; nay, I want to, feel some protruding lump in the belly. Is it a foot? Is it an elbow? Who the heck knows, but can I please remove my hand?!

* We are moving closer to our final two names for the child. These names will be revealed shortly after little Agamemnon or Shanaynay (not actual names) has entered this world.

* And finally, Thursday Tracy will once again be gored with a needle. This time, my little pincushion will have her sugar tested. The test consists of drinking some Sunkist-looking drink, although I am willing to bet it tastes much worse, and then giving blood to see if we have good blood sugar levels. (No gestational diabetes.) If we pass this test, everything is hunky-dory. If the results falter, you have to return for some ridiculous follow up test where they take blood every hour for like 42 hours straight. We are hoping to avoid this experience. Keep your fingers crossed!